Thursday, December 13, 2007

If You See Me Smoking, I Must Be On Fire!

Well hey there, Y’all! It sure has been a long time. No, really, a LONGGGGG time. I know how busy we’ve all been with the holidays, and I certainly haven’t been any busier than anyone else, or had more to do. I can’t make excuses, it’s just been crazy here. I have Jenda, almost four (OMG!!) husband Jerry (behaves like he’s four, OMG!!!) work, holidays, life, whatnot. In the midst of all of my baby mama drama, I mean, domestic bliss, I have decided to quit smoking.

Stop laughing. It’s for real.

Snorting when you laugh is real unbecoming, y’all!


I suppose this all started in the spring. I went outside to have a smoke (NEVER in the house!) and also to have a quiet moment away from my two children…er, I mean Jenda and my husband. It was a beautiful day, birds were singing, the sun was shining, and I had about 42 seconds of peace and quiet.

(Maybe if I exhale quietly, she’ll go bug her Dad!)

(Maybe if I wait to exhale she’ll…damn!)

MAH-MEE! And here she came around the corner to my little slice of nicotine heaven. And then she looked at me with her huge blue-gray eyes. And she seemed puzzled.

“Mommy, whachu doing?”

Baby, I’m smoking a cigarette.

And again, the look. And then she asked, “Why?”

I was startled into a condition of exquisite rarity (at least for me.) I was speechless. I simply did not have an answer. Kinda like the time that I was looking out the window and saw a little rabbit on the lawn. We didn’t have a yard in South Florida and we damn sure never saw any rabbits (but there were plenty of Rabbis!) Anyway…I saw the rabbit on the lawn and called Jenda over to behold God’s adorable creature in all it’s wonder OH SHIT!

Jenda rushed to the window in time to see that now there were two rabbits who were going at it like crazed weasels right on our front lawn! There stood Jenda, watching this and I was horrified! I felt like some kind of pervert for bringing her into this. Stupid rabbits! Couldn’t they have picked someone else’s yard? Damn!

“Mommy, whatter they DOOOOOING?”

They, um, well, they, they’re saying hello. Yeah, they’re just saying hello! Yes, they’re saying hello!

“That’s not how you and Daddy say hello.”

Well, no, not since we had you.

Come to think of it, I’m just not that person that you want to come to with life’s deep, meaningful questions!

So, back to the cigarettes. Long after Jenda toddled off to ride her Dora the Explorer big wheel, or drive her Barbie Jeep, or play with one of the plethora of toys littering our yard, I tried to come up with an answer. I am smoking, but why?

Am I on fire? No.

Am I out of Chardonnay? Hell no, I would SO never let that happen!

So anyway, I had no good answer. I called Dr. McDreamy and asked for help! We decided that a new pill called Chantix would be our weapon in the fight against smoking. I made an appointment and then began to do some research. I went to the official website and read about success rates, doses, and of course side effects.

Big mistake, y’all. Huge!

The side effects blurb was very helpful, almost chipper. ‘You might experience stomach upset and weight loss while taking Chantix.’ Strange…Who gets upset about weight loss? I kept reading….

‘Some patients reported experiencing nausea lasting several months. Others reported gas and abdominal cramps.’ WTF? Nausea? Gas? Cramps? Several months? I think I’ll just get knocked up again. I mean, c’mon!

‘Some people experience severe swelling of their lips during the duration of treatment. Still, don’t stop taking the medicine! We want to help you help yourself!’ Fiends! Are you kidding me?! There is no way on God’s green earth I am taking this shit and farting up a storm while sporting duck lips! I resigned myself to lung cancer, cancelled my appointment, and went on about my life.

Of course, I had to tell some of my friends at work about this horrible new pill designed to torture poor nicotine addicts who really just need sympathy, understanding, and an iron lung. While telling two of my friends about the symptoms, one of them said, “Ooh, not to interrupt, but speaking of weight loss and swollen lips, did you see that Angelina Jolie is filming a new movie? Blah, blah….”

Okay, so that is what he said. What I heard was “Get on this medication and you will lose weight and get full pouty lips and LOOK LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE!” Yeah, it’s a stretch, but that’s really what I heard. So I called the doctor and begged for the earliest appointment possible to begin my transformation into Angelina, I mean, non-smoker.

I met with my doctor and we discussed everything from doses to duration of treatment (in my case, the rest of my natural life!) I then asked about side effects.

“Don’t worry about everything you read on the website. They are required by law to list every possible thing that might happen in one out of one million cases. All of my patients have been fine.”

How many of them look like Angelina Jolie?


I mean, how many of them were able to quit? Seriously…hahaha!

“Right, well, good luck and we’ll follow up in a month or so.” So off I went.

I began taking the pills immediately, gobbling them like Di-Gel and waiting for the Angelinaness. I did not notice any weight loss or sexy lips, but I did feel bloated and crabby, but noticed almost at once that I was no longer getting a buzz from the nicotine. Okay, not so bad. After two weeks, I quit, but had to continue the medicine, like I said, for the next century. But still, no weight loss or Angelina lips. Damn! Still I was feeling good. SO good, in fact, that when I get to work and have to park in Outer Mongolia because all of the good spots are taken, I am not out of breath when I hike to the building. I decided that I could at least address part of the problem by going on Weight Watchers.

Another huge mistake. In all of my new-found non-smoking self-actualization, I discovered that I am a REAL dumbass!

When you quit smoking, you develop hand-mouth reflex syndrome. You are hungry, and you snack a lot. The good news is, your blood pressure goes down. It’s best to just go with it. When you go on Weight Watchers, you eat tiny portions of diet food made from pencil shavings, the crud from Willie Nelson’s beard, and buckets of sodium. So, you’re friggin’ hungry and your blood pressure goes through the roof. I lasted about three weeks and lost exactly half a pound, my sense of humor, and my will to live. I decided to end the craziness by going out every night for beer and wings. I mean, if quitting smoking is going to make me live longer, shit, I might as well enjoy it!

So, here we are 46 days later and aside from one little cheat (if you knew THAT story, you would not blame me!) I am not smoking. I also look nothing like Angelina Jolie, but it’s okay. I figure with all of the money I am saving from not buying cigarettes, I am going to go for plastic surgery and buy myself some duck lips and liposuction. Hell, I’m just gonna get everything lifted. And then I’ll REALLY be smokin’.

Hot, that is!