Saturday, May 21, 2011

It's the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Slightly Drunk....

"Don't blame yourself. The Apocalypse wasn't your fault. Actually, it was just as much your fault as it was anyone elses's. Come to think of it, if you're an American, it was probably about 80-90 percent more your fault than the average human. But don't let that get you down. It wasn't exclusively your fault. Unless you're the president. Then it might be your fault. But you'll have plenty of interns to tell you it wasn't, so you'll be fine." Meghann Marco

Hello, blog followers. This will be our last exchange since the world is slated to end THIS EVENING AT 6:00 PM EST!!!! I have no delusions of Heavenly grandeur, which leads me to believe that you, my dear friends and loyal readers will, for the most part, be taken up to Heaven, leaving my sorry ass behind to go through 5 months of horrible tribulation. And thats fine, because after 15 years in call center customer service, 5 months doesn't seem so bad.

I am hopeful that I will be one of those chosen to shuffle off this mortal coil, but I'm not holding my breath. The first indication that I wouldn't be chosen came to me when I heard that the END IS NEAR, so I called my mortgage company to cancel the upcoming pre-scheduled payment. Of course they asked why I was canceling my payment.

Screw you! The world is ending on May 21 at around 6pm.....that mortgage payment will buy Kendall Jackson 'communion wine' and a buttload of junk food. I'm going out fat, happy, and loaded.

Click, dial tone, Boooooooooooooooooooooop.

Hello? Hello?

Little do they know that when I get called up to my great reward, they'll have a devil of a time selling this pun intended.

So I'm here waiting for the end, and I even cleaned my house today. You might be asking why but my in-laws are coming to visit, albeit briefly, and I want things to look nice. Besides, whatever sinner buys the house, well, I want it to look nice. I haven't said anything to Jenda. No use getting her upset. Besides, I can just hear how that conversation will go....

Jenda, Sweetie, the world is going to end tonight. God is calling all of his faithful home.

"Oh jeepers, Mommy, you're going to cook tonight, aren't you?"

So I am leaving her out of this. Of course earlier today, I was searching the internet to get information about the upcoming Rapture. I learned that we should feel a catclysmic earthquake at approximately 6:00 pm EST, so I added Jerry Lee Lewis's 'Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On' to my rapture song list. Poor Jenda is already traumatized thinking that she has to eat my cooking tonight, but while doing my research, I came across a headline on one of the news sites....CNN or MSNBC or one of those.....

"Church of the End Times Plans for the Future."


What possible plans could you have for the future if you just KNOW you are one of the chosen few? I mean, in my case, if I am one of the select, my plans for the future entail seeing my Mother, who, GOD rest her soul, passed away in 1995. And I also plan to ask GOD why kids get cancer, and can we stop that, and why do people still treat Gays and Lesbians so badly, and why are hot-fudge Sundaes bad for you but oat bran is good...? If I get called to Heaven, I damn sure have an agenda. That being said, I probably won't make it.

So I am here with my 'communion wine' and putting together my End Of The World (EOTW) is what I have so far....

Europe- The Final Countdown
Skeeter Davis- End of the World
Elvis- Waiting for the End of the World
Iron Maiden- The Number of the Beast
The Doors- The End
Tom Waits- The Earth Died Screaming
Blondie- Rapture
and finally....Eric Carmen- All By Myself (sad but true!)

So I feel reasonably certain that I'll still be here when all Hell breaks loose. If you need me to look after your children or look after any of you, for that matter, just let me know. I expect that I'll be turning the lights off. Say your prayers, get right with your Higher Power, and know that I love you all verrrrrr............................