Well hey there, y’all! With all the talk in the news of the next Olympic Games to be held in Beijing, I guess people are getting inspired. Even for the completely non-athletic types like me, the thought of being able to win a GOLD MEDAL at the Olympics is just incredible. Just imagine being able to run faster than Carl Lewis or being able to jump into midair, spin three times, and land on a metal blade on ice…geeze. It gives you goose bumps, right?
It would seem that such sporting dreams have captured the imaginations of some sports enthusiasts near Dallas, Texas, who, armed with the knowledge that they will NEVER be traditional Olympians, have decided to take matters into their own hands. Yes, friends, I am talking about THE REDNECK GAMES.
Nope. Not making this one up.
These are serious competitions, y’all. None of that wussie shotput throwing. Try ‘The Mattress Chuck’. This is a two man team competition to see which team can throw a mattress the farthest from the back of a pickup truck. Men’s Freestyle High Dive? Nah, try ‘The Mudbog Belly Flop’, with points given for artistic impression, style and ‘the redder the better’. The Decathalon? That’s lame. How about (God help me!) ‘The Ugly Butt Crack Contest’? (I must stop here to take part in ‘The Cookie Tossing Event’.)
Said the news report, “Modeled after similar games that have been going in Georgia for more than a decade, the four-day Redneck Games took place about 70 miles southeast of Dallas and included an estimated 6,000 people and live music.” (This seems like a feat, but it’s not too difficult to get 6,000 rednecks and live music in one place. They’re all related so they live in the same trailer park. Tell ‘em you’ll supply the beer if they’ll bring their banjos.) “The organizer, Oscar Still, could face a misdemeanor charge for not having a permit (only for not having a permit, y’all!), required for any gathering of more than 2,500 people.” How apropos…it just seems fitting that the organizer of this event would be named ‘Still’. (Well, that or ‘Ugly Buttcrack Boodreau’.)
I especially have to laugh at the local sheriff, Lt. McWilliams, who said, “ I'm an old fuddy duddy and all that, but you got a vehicle, you got alcohol, and you got illegal dumping, and you're making a contest out of that?" We are very fortunate that we didn't have a fatality." Obviously, Lt. McWilliams is only doing this sheriff gig part time, because he does the bulk of his work in the field of rocket science. DUH! You have thousands of vehicles and a whole buttload of booze! And you are mistaken Johnny Law, because there was a fatality. I damn sure died laughing when I read this! I love how he ranks illegal dumping up there with driving while impaired. Hey, he’s got priorities.
One of the event organizers said that he knew the residents were upset about the traffic, but the games boosted the local businesses. NOOOO.... For me, traffic would not be the problem. Opening my curtains to let the sunlight in and being confronted with the sight of 'The Ugly Butt Crack' contest would be the more upsetting issue. Imagine the downturn in property values, to say nothing of how it would make your stomach turn!
One of the locals who retired to the area complained that he “has awakened to the roaring engines of all-terrain vehicles, midnight fireworks shows and thousands of drunken revelers who every so often gather across the narrow county road from his property at events like the Redneck Games and the Texas Redneck Muddy Gras.” Said the local yokel, "We're just a nice, calm community, and nobody can get any rest; nobody can get any sleep."
SLEEP? During the Redneck Muddy Gras? No, no no, you must be crazy. You can sleep during the other 361 days of the year. This is one life altering event that no one should miss. I can only imagine what the great cultural anthropologist of our time, Jay Leno, will say about all of this…. “I was in the Redneck Riviera today for the Redneck Games. The ‘Fart Lighting Competition’ really blew me away…bwuhhahaha!”
The article does not give any indication of what awards are given for winning these competitions. Braggin’ rights are real big in the South, but it seems only right that there would be some token awarded for earning the high esteem of the “Brotherhood of Athletes of the Redneck Federation’, hereafter known as BARF. I took the initiative to look online to see what might be an appropriate award for all of the honorable and deserving assletes, excuse me, ATHletes who compete in the games. For the first place winner, a case of ‘Golden Brew Beer’, Hanley Brewing Co., St. Louis. For the second place winner, a case of ‘Silver Edge Beer’, Muessel Brewing Co., Indiana. For the third place winner, well, I couldn’t find anything in a Bronze Beer, but I did find ‘Red Ass Ale’, Cold Springs Brewing Co., Minnesota. For that matter, all the participants could be awarded that one. I plan to contact the members of BARF to suggest these prizes, although something tells me that they are already working the beer angle.
Here in North Carolina, we have some pretty cool events, such as the Spring Folly, the Honeybee Festival in late summer, and various holiday events sponsored by the town aldermen. We don’t have anything nearly as cool and groovy as the Redneck Games and BARF. This could definitely be worth a road trip to attend next year’s games. This little slice of life has really changed my outlook on Americana, and I hope it has done the same for you. So the next time you see some big sweaty redneck surrounded by mattresses, with a red belly and a potentially ugly butt crack, know that he is a respected and winning athlete. Congratulate him, shake his hand and give him a pat on the back.
Look out for back hair.