Well hey there, y’all! I just had to drop a line and say hello and let y’all know how much I miss y’all! Now that l’il Miss Jenda is getting on a schedule, Jerry and I have been staying up late and enjoying really high-brow, intellectual-ish adult entertainment. No, you perverts, not PORN!! I mean REALLY cultural, inspiring entertainment. Like, “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”
First and foremost, we are not gameshow people. We’re pretty much HGTV, Discovery Channel types (and of course, in my case, Food Network! I just need a 24 hour WINE AND FOOD NETWORK. I would never get up from in front of the TV… ‘Eat, Drink, and Grow Hairy!’) Anyway…
Am I smarter than a fifth grader? Actually, no. In fact, I’m pretty much dumber than a three-year old. Still, after watching this show, I am encouraged by the fact that most Americans who appear on gameshows (Jeopardy excluded!) are DUMBER THAN A BUCKET OF HAIR! They’re dumb because, well, they have NO education, and they’re stupid as HELL for appearing on this show in the first place. No adult is smarter than a fifth grader. Let’s face it, dinosaur friends….we may live in the age of TIVO, but y’all losers (me included) STILL can’t set the clock on y’alls ancient-ass VCR. A fifth grader can set the clock, create computer code, and download free shit using your ancient VCR and a coat hanger. It’s scary how smart these little blighters are!!
So lemme explain how this show works. Jeff Foxworthy (who MIGHT be a redneck!) gets these goofy adult types from all walks of life and he pits them against scary genius Stepford kid-types for the chance to win “FABULOUS PRIZES!” He asks what are supposed to be simple questions to see if the adult can answer without the help of the little Einstein….like, “Name the Five Great Lakes.” Okay, c’mon. This is SO above the adult and SO beneath the kid. I’ll make it easy…remember the acronym HOMES….Huron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie, Superior. (Okay, Jenda actually taught me that!) The adults sweat blood but these kids laugh their asses off! I mean, these kids are BRILLIANT! They even have their own language. Stop and think….have you ever seen a text message from a fifth grader to another fifth grader?
“OMG, UR MY BFF! 2GTB4GTN, CUL8R. H82ASKCFUCAN BAF4DNR”
which means…”My parents are dorks, can I come over to your house?”
The response being, “Don’t bother. We’re having chipped beef and creamed spinach for dinner!”
No adult can figure this out or understand it, so NO! We’re not smarter than a fifth grader. In fact, we’re stupid enough to humiliate ourselves on national TV instead of staying home and actually READING or WATCHING THE NEWS and trying to, y’know, LEARN SOMETHING!! If we’re so smart, why do we have to have Super Nanny tell us how to raise our kids? Why can’t we get global warming under control? HELL, why did we take so long to get Anna Nicole Smith and James Brown buried?!
Things have changed since we were fifth graders. Remember when we were walking barefoot to school, 15 miles up hill, both ways, in the snow, on crutches, with rickets? In my case, it’s pretty safe to say that I have forgotten all of the cool fifth grade stuff they taught me, like “Who was the 19th president of the United States?” Of course it was Rutherford B. Goode, or Johnny B. Hayes, or someone…. The point is that I DID learn something worth knowing. I always address my elders as “Yes, ma’am” and “Yes, sir” and I hold the door open for old people (known as everyone else besides me!) And I sure as hell know the difference between Eastern and Lexington barbeque!! No Supernanny is raising my kid, and I don’t have to publically humiliate myself on TV to earn money. (I work in a call center so I can do it privately!) Am I smarter than a fifth grader? Nope. But age and treachery ALWAYS triumph over youth and cuteness. And I am GENIUS enough to curl up with a good book, a big glass of Kendall Jackson, and let some “wet-behind-the-ears” kid download my music and movies for me.
Damn, when I look at it that way, I better run. I have just enough time to make it across town for the MENSA meeting!
Love to you all….bless your hearts!