Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Milk of Human Kindness Doesn't Make Good Ice Cream!

There comes a point in every person’s life where you say, “I have heard it all.” For me, working in a call center, and being a wife and mother, I thought that moment had come and gone. But I now know that I was wrong. Really wrong. Of course it’s my duty to keep everyone abreast of the latest in nutty news. I recently read that the people at PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) have decided that it’s cruel to milk cows and use their milk for human consumption, especially ice cream. So they have reached out to ice cream makers Ben and Jerry. I love Ben and Jerry, y’all. They, along with Kendall Jackson, will someday ascend into heaven and be seated at the right hand of the Father, where they will all enjoy a big glass of chardonnay and a bowl of Chunky Monkey. Mmmm…. Wait, where was I?

Oh, yes. PETA. I think they do a lot of good for the most part. But now, the PETA-ites have decided, via some sort of bovine proxy vote, that it is cruel to milk cows and consume their milk. So they have asked Ben and Jerry to stop making their ice cream with cow’s milk, and instead, to start using human breast milk.

Oh yes, at this moment, I have seen and heard it all.

Okay, I have to try to get a grip on this one. Let’s ignore the fact that human breast milk has more lactose (that’s sugar, folks), more fat, and less protein than cow’s milk. Let’s ignore the studies that show that consumption by humans of low fat dairy products can lower the risk of heart disease and lower the risk of type two diabetes. Let’s instead follow the logic of People Exhibiting Traits of Asshats. Their argument is that Dr. Spock says that cow’s milk is bad for children. And I am all for breastfeeding your babies, but at some point, it has to come to an end. And by the way, this is the same Dr. Spock who advocated treating your child as an individual and allowing them to potty train at their own pace. To which I say BULL! Treating kids like individuals is great once they’re old enough to vote, but really not before. Just look at Britney Spears, y’all. She STOPPED behaving like a skank when her parents STOPPED treating her like and individual. And if I allowed Jenda to potty train at her own pace, I’d still be spending my money on diapers and Balmex instead of Kendall Jackson and Ben and Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie Crunch.

To their credit, Ben and Jerry said “Beat it, you radical, hairy-armpit freakazoids!” No, what they really said was nothing, because they saw no need to comment and milk the situation for the notoriety. I think that is probably for the breast, um, best. But I do think someone needs to speak up for the poor women who might potentially be impacted by this nonsense. PETA feels that cows are being treated unfairly. What about Mothers? I have read studies that many cows are bred for their ability, as the scientific community puts it, ‘to produce a butt-load of milk.’ As a mother who nursed, I can tell you that I was not bred for that. First, Kendall Jackson and nursing do not mix, so it was a very long 7 months. Number two, if too much time passed between milkings, er, feedings, my breasts turned into weapons of mass destruction. Finally, when your kid gets teeth, well, let’s just say thank God for all of the strides they’ve made in reconstructive surgery.

So I am going to start my own advocacy group, “DAMN- Divine Admiration for Mothers Now “ to prevent this kind of nonsense from happening. My fellow mothers deserve a lift. And if you’re willing to go tit for tat with PETA, I invite you to join me. Really, y’all, let’s get pumped up about this. And if we’re not successful, we can always get together at my house for some chardonnay and a bowl of Dulce de Leche League or a couple of scoops of Fudge Nipple!


Kevin said...

What kind of farm are we talking about? Would it involve a whole bunch of saggy boobed wet nurses in a barn attached to milkers? Do they kick you if you get too close? Researchers have estimated that a single cow can emit 100 to 200 liters of methane per day, so what kind of effect will the mommy farm have on the environment?

Catherine said...

I would damn sure kick someone! But I can say the methane issue would still be a problem if the wet nurse mommoies ate broccoli!