Monday, December 22, 2008

You've Got to Espresso Yourself!

It’s safe to say that people who know me would say that I am a very energetic person. Probably, they would say some other things, too, but I’ll choose to ignore those comments and move on to other things. At any rate, I am just really kicking into high gear for the holidays. I have been finding novel ways to holiday shop without breaking the bank, and I am excited about spending Christmas with my family this year. For me, they’re pretty easy to shop for. I have more difficulty finding gifts for my friends.

One of my close friends at work is a bit of a coffee connoisseur and our café at work has a special holiday blend of coffee that they sell only during the holidays. I have never been a coffee drinker, which with my current high energy level is probably a good thing. Anyway, I decided to buy him a bag as a Christmas gift, and he seemed pleased. Later, in telling one of my colleagues, she said, “I heard that there is this really great gourmet coffee that comes from Indonesia. It’s rather rare but it’s supposed to be the hot item for coffee lovers.” It sounded interesting, so I decided to look into it and perhaps gift some of the other coffee drinkers on my list with this rare Asian brew.

It wasn’t hard to find, but it was damn near impossible to believe what I was reading. This rare Indonesian java is called Kopi Luwak. At around $160.00 per pound, it’s really not in the budget. But even if they were giving it away, there is no way that I would ever buy this. Allow me to give you some, ahem, background.

Kopi Luwak is a coffee that is made from berries that grow on tall trees. A cat-like animal, called a civet, climbs into the trees, where they lounge on the branches eating the berries. Okay so far. I mean, I am all for lounging and eating. But then, the whole process loses its charm for me. Inside each berry is a seed, or bean, that is passed through the cat’s digestive system intact. The bean then shoots out of the cats butt in his poop, where gatherers, or as I call them, ‘professional shit stirrers,’ dig through mounds of cat crap looking for the beans, which are then harvested, rinsed (hopefully!) and ground into very expensive coffee, that is then apparently bought by people who are severely emotionally disturbed.

I can’t help but think of Ted Nugent. While I don’t think he is emotionally disturbed, he is ‘The Motor City Madman’ so it would be great to know his thoughts on this. Sing along to the tune of ‘Cat Scratch Fever’….

Well I found out where it comes from
and it sure is bad
Cats poop it out of a tree
Then they sell it for a fortune
Like some twisted fad
I wouldn’t drink the shit for free!
Don’t give me cat crap coffee, cat crap coffee!

I can’t imagine who is getting the bad end of the deal (pun intended!) Is it the idiots who actually drink this or the people who harvest it? Of course the harvesters are making a fortune selling this and the people who drink it apparently have enough money to buy any kind of crap they want. I can’t imagine drinking this or harvesting it, but I wouldn’t mind marketing it. I would immediately change the name, Kopi Luwak, which I believe is Indonesian for ‘tastes like shit.’ I might call it ‘Stanka’. Or ‘Chock Full O’Butts’. Hmm…’Asspresso.’ I suppose the possibilities are endless!

I can’t even imagine the smell of this coffee brewing in your coffee maker. Actually, having changed many poopy diapers, I can get a general idea. And it’s not a good one. But it occurs to me that it could have some potential for good use. Suppose an annoying neighbor or family member showed up. Y’know, the neighbor who always wants to borrow (and never return) your tools, or the family member who always needs money? Just put a pot of this on to brew and I bet that would put an end to their unwanted visits. Dinner party guests who refuse to leave? One cup of this demitASS, er, demitasse, and that’ll be the end of your problem.
And that’s no shit!


Lisbeth said...

Hi, did you get my comments? I had trouble with google.

Lisbeth said...

Okay, I guess you didn't get it. Your blog is great, I will create a link to mine; you are funny and a very good writeI met your dad through Facebook and he gave me your link. I will set up a link at my blog; I think the people who read my blog would love yours.
Let me espresso my good wishes for the holiday season.
Hey, leave me a comment or two on m blog: www.Lisbethcalandrino.

Ron Harp said...

Thanks for the heads up! Joanne got me a coffee grinder for Christmas... I'll make sure to avoid the Skanka Beans!

flwrbunni said...

yeah there was this episode on CSI where one of the younger csi's had bought some of the cat poop coffee. i could not stop laughing!!