Friday, July 17, 2009

The Naked Truth

I don’t think I have ever experienced writer’s block to the extent that I am having tonight. There’s no good reason for it. I have just read the craziest thing in the news and just don’t even know where to start. I guess that’s what’s keeping me from being able to put this into words. It’s after 3:00am so the house is quiet; I was going to say as quiet as a tomb, but therein lies the problem.

I just finished reading a story about an off-duty police officer in Elkhart, IN who happened out for a jog on his day off. That’s not crazy. Law enforcement officers have to try to stay in shape. In this case, the officer’s morning constitutional took him by what the article referred to as “a crowded cemetery.” He noticed a parked pickup truck, next to which stood a naked man.

Thus far, I was reading in disbelief. There were just NO WORDS for a situation like this. I continued reading and it went to hell from there. The naked guy, Rudy Nudie, saw the jogger, jumped into his truck, still naked, and fled the scene. The cop jogged to his car, followed Rudy Nudie, and got his tag number, which he then tracked down back at police headquarters. The article went on to say that Rudy Nudie was called in for questioning, and, dressed for the occasion, he complied. Here’s where it gets really strange.

Mr. Nudie told the police officers that he had been out playing golf and his underwear got wet. He stopped by the cemetery on his way home to check on his in-laws, and since his skivvies were wet, he stripped down before getting out. Then, because he forgot his glasses, he just hopped out of the truck for a minute to look at the flowers on their graves.

Suddenly, I had words for this story. Words like ‘what’, and ‘the’ and ….

Let me lay this out for you and put to rest any questions that you might have as to the veracity of his tail, er, tale. He said he was out playing golf. Did he strip down and wade into the lake after a golf ball? That would explain how his underoos got wet but not the rest of his clothes. Then, he went to the cemetery to check on his in-laws. What the hell for? Was he afraid they were going to go somewhere? He forgot his glasses, which is easy enough to do, but then how the hell was he playing golf? How was he even sure that he made it to his in-laws final resting place and not someone else’s? He wanted to look at the flowers? Without glasses? Naked? Are you kidding me?

In addition to being some kind of freaky-ass, stream-wading, flower-sniffin’, butt-nekkid weirdo, he’s a terrible liar! Puh-leeze, those cops were probably laughing so hard they had Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts bits shooting out of their noses. This guy is a MOE-RON! He made it home from the cemetery and drove to the police station. He had plenty of time to come up with a better alibi that, while still demented and perverse, would have been slightly more believable.

For example…

“Yeah, Officer. I was out there naked at my in-laws graves because they left me out of their wills. I feel like THEY SHIT ALL OVER ME and I was returning the favor.”

Maybe that’s a bit harsh. How’s this one….

“I’m sorry Officer. I forgot my glasses and I thought I was home. That hard, cold statue sure reminded me of my wife, Mildred.”

Okay. The first one IS better, but either one is better than the crap he invented. For the rest of his life, no one will ever believe a word he says. I don’t care if he tells people that the sky is blue, grass is green, and fire is hot. His credibility might as well be in that crypt with his in-laws. Who knows, maybe that’s what he was looking for. The good news is that he will achieve a certain notoriety with this, some lasting fame that will cement his place in Elkhart history. Little children won’t give the Boogeyman a second thought. It’ll be Rudy Nudie haunting their dreams….

‘Lurking in the graveyard with his privates hanging out,
The Naked Man’ll getcha if you don’t watch out!’

Whatever may happen, Rudy Nudie has brought me boundless entertainment, not to mention weeks of playing armchair therapist trying to figure out what his problem is. Maybe he had some freaky-deaky feelings for his in-laws. Maybe he just loves the cool caress of marble next to his bare skin.

Of course, I could be over analyzing this. He could just be a huge fan of Norman Mailer’s, “The Naked and the Dead.”


Ari said...


I really wanna know was this old man just runing around in underwear from the golf course 2 the cemetery!!! And im pretty sure none of his in-laws didnt wanna see him NAKED!! if he likes be naked we should enroll him into the playboy mansion! Him an hef can be BFF!!

Kevin said...

I bet he was looking for some fresh corpse nookie.

Eileen said...

I loved it Cat! Truly one of your best :) I will never forget the tale of Rudy Nudie!

Anonymous said...

Cat, this is Stacey G from Florida ... i have been laughing out loud and people around me are wondering WTF is up with me... you are the funniest.... I love reading your bolg ... this is just totaly one of your many funniest ones out there!!!