Saturday, March 3, 2012

The Way to a Man's Heart is Through the E.R.

My sense of humor is admittedly peculiar, but certain topics are off-limits as laughs go. I don’t consider heart attacks to be at all funny, and feel truly bad for anyone who has suffered a heart attack or has lost a loved one to a heart ailment. It’s sad that many people try to eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly but still suffer from heart disease. It’s really sad that more of us don’t take better care of ourselves. It’s really tragic when we go looking for trouble.

There’s a restaurant in Las Vegas called ‘The Heart Attack Grill.’ There used to be a Texas location that was closed for non-payment of rent, and I am guessing that the money went for insurance premiums and larger clothes. At any rate, you can visit The Heart Attack Grill and order a Single, Double, Triple, or Quadruple Bypass Burger with an order of Flatliner Fries. I’m not sure what they call it if you order a combo meal. I call it Date With a Defibrillator. What would one expect? The point is that if you go to a place like the very aptly named Heart Attack Grill, you are looking for trouble and you’re going to find it.

Recently, a man went to the HAG for a ‘Triple Bypass Burger’, which consists of three half-pound beef patties, three slices of cheese, and 15 pieces of bacon. Just this is around 6,000 calories! Once you add Flatliner Fries and a Butterfat Shake and you’ve pretty much consumed all of your allowed Weight Watchers points for the year. The waitresses dress like nurses and the owner calls himself Doctor. (And people called Jack Kervorkian a criminal?!)

So our intrepid diner decided to stroll into the Heart Attack Grill for a bovine sized burger and a few pounds of lard fries. Specifically, he ordered the triple bypass burger, which stands about a foot tall and weighs close to two pounds. After finishing his lunch (enough to feed all of Rhode Island), one of the nurse waitresses told the ‘Doctor’ that the patron was ‘having the shakes and sweating’. Of course the owner thought she meant he was having a butterfat milkshake, and that he was sweating from the incredible physical exertion it took to lift all of this calorie-laden crap to his mouth. But no, alas. The lunch customer was having a heart attack. Health conscious onlookers and the morbidly curious thought it was part of the coronary contrivance that this restaurant is known to use in their macabre marketing, but it was the real deal. As bystanders took pictures and video, the owner, ’Doctor Jon’ said, “Even with our own morbid sense of humor, we would never pull a stunt like that.”

His cardiovascular concern is really touching. Coming from a man who makes his living on the slogan, ‘A Taste Worth Dying For’, his words ring as hollow as a balloon angioplasty on a Hasbro Baby Alive. And it begs the question. What, exactly, do the customers of this restaurant expect? Let’s face it. You know what to expect at International House of Pancakes, KFC, and the like. I don’t go to The Waffle House and order Pasta Primavera. I don’t go to Taco Bell for a burger and fries. (Actually, I don’t go there at all. The ground beef tastes weird. It’s abstract meat, like bologna.)

So there is good news and bad news. The good news is that the patron/patient has survived and is recovering. The bad news is that this diner of death is still fully operational (ooh, scary thought!) and they’re still dishing up their killer cuisine. And hopefully, there’s a lesson in here for all of us. The occasional fast food is okay…..take heed if you should suddenly feel a Big Mac Attack. And think a good thought for the sad, misguided souls who make their way into deadly diners like this one. Bless their hearts!

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