Saturday, May 19, 2007

It must have been the chicken!

Hi all, or as they say in these parts, "hey there y'all!" Things are moving right along. We are getting moved into our house and Jerry and I are truly living the American Dream. We have a single family home with a two car garage that we can't get our cars in to!

For the latest, Jerry has been REALLY sick recently. It actually started back in September, and I suppose a better wife would have taken more drastic measures before now. She probably has alot of Platinum jewelry. Anyway, Jer called me at work the other night and asked when I would be home.

I'm leaving in 10 minutes. Why?

"I miss you."

We have an almost three year old toddler, so nookie is out of the question. Oh God, he's REALLY messed up!!! I should have taken him to the ER months ago, sweet Jesus I am sorry I will be right home.

So, I get home and Jerry is passed out on the sofa and Jenda has spread Cheerios all over the floor and Dora is just BLARING out of the DVD player. No different from any other night except Jerry has a temp of 104+. I take charge for the moment and decide that we are going to the hospital right now.

Guess what folks......

There is no BLEEPING hospital in Kernersville!!!!! I am sure that Arnold Ziffle is rooting around somewhere having drinks with the traveling company of "Deliverance" but no ER!!! Okay. Think fast.

We make the drive to Moses Cone Hospital in Greensboro, 40 minutes or so, and in we go, me wondering if Moses Cone is a person or some weird religious vortex.

"Do you have insurance and what's your emergency?"

Yes, I have crappy insurance, which is an emergency in and of itself. My husband is ill, and I am here with his sick ass and my two year old at almost 3 in the morning and I have no Platinum jewelry or Xanax.

"Bring your husband back. Y'all can come in with him." No offer of Xanax.

So in we go and they put Jerry in an examining room. In comes a very sweet nurse and a doctor. "What seems to be the problem?"

Says Jerry, "My stomach feels bloated, my lower back is killing me in my kidneys and down into my legs, and I am burning up. I feel like I have to throw up."

OMG I say, he's pregnant!!

(Nurse, single mother of three, works nights, pays all the bills, laughs. Doctor, pompous ass, trophy wife, sportscar, does not laugh. Dork!)

Jenda, who watches WAY TOO MUCH Spongebob Squarepants, says, Need to go to Super Weenie Hut Junior Hospital!

You go, girl!

So they run tests, CAT scans, more tests, ask questions, blah, blah. Doc comes back. "How is the pain?"

He's fine, I say. Turns out Doc wasn't talking to me.

"Do you need a painkiller?"

"No" says Jerry.

YES!! I scream! Give him painkillers, because if I am going to have to clean Cheerios up off the floor every night after work, ONE OF US had better be doped up!

Anyway, more tests, until I finally tell Jerry that Jenda and I will be sleeping in the car out in the parking lot, call my cell when they release you, pray we don't get hauled in for vagrancy, sayonara.

Out comes Jerry with the sun....what's wrong?

"They don't know, but they gave me some painkillers and antibiotics, blah, blah". Good thing he wasn't too messed up to drive.

Two days later the call came. Speakerphone. "Jerry....Good news and bad news...we ran tests and the results of the CAT scan show you don't have kidney stones. You do, however, have E COLI!

The wine glass dropped right out of my hands and shattered onto the floor. It's okay, though, it wasn't Waterford. But I hated to waste my Kendall Jackson syrah!


"Sir, do you have any idea where you might have gotten E Coli?"

We had no idea, but promised to think about it and call back. I grilled Jerry, no pun intended, and he assured petting zoos, no bagged spinach, no Taco Bell. Hmmm....

It occurred to me later....back in September, he bought a rotisserie chicken from Harris Teeter (honest to God that is the name of the store! Remember the little old lady who was run off the road in Ft. Lauderdale? If she had married the grocery store owner, she could be Tillie Tooter Teeter! HAHAHA!) Anyway, Jerry brought the chicken home, ripped off a drumstick and started munching. As I was cutting off some chicken for me and Jenda, I realized it was NOT FULLY COOKED!!! I warned Jerry, who, being a man, said, "I'll put it in the microwave. It'll be fine." Needless to say, Jenda and I did NOT eat it. I called the hospital back to tell them I had discovered the source.

" E Coli usually comes from beef....I don't think chicken would be the culprit."

Trust me, bless your heart, whatever. It was the chicken.

"Could it be anything else?"

I remembered that Jerry also drinks the tap water here. I tried it once. I spat it out. Too clean. In Florida, the water is just FULL of sulfites, minerals, bacteria, and all sorts of other crap that keeps your system healthy by giving it something to fight. I think the clean water here weakened Jerry's immune system, making him susceptible to E Coli from those raw-chicken-peddling-death merchants at Harris!@#%^ Teeter!!! And to think he used our VIC Card to buy the chicken! Damn!

The doctor pretty much assumed that I was insane or on painkillers and quickly got off the phone. I knew that I was on to something. I can report that Jerry is doing MUCH better. We have not eaten much chicken, but he still drinks the water. I am still on a strict regimen of Diet Coke during the day and Kendall Jackson Chardonnay thereafter. There are also some local vineyards in this area and the wines are pretty good. I am actually feeling a bit weak. I need a little more Kendall Jackson Chardonnay, for medicinal purposes......that's better! I am now so healthy I could just faint! Miss you all, love you bunches, and for God's sake, drink more wine and eat less raw chicken!! Bless your hearts!!!


Laura said...

Why do men always think they are better than us?!?!?

lori said...

Raw Chicken Bad For Anyone!

Nissa said...

Good words.

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

I happen to cross your site... don't know how... but anyway.. must say it cracked me up...