Sunday, May 20, 2007

Only Women Bleed

So hello again and happy New Year to y'all from North Carolina! We are just plugging along here in Kernersville. We are firmly ensconced in our new house and life is good! I don't know how much I have told you about the house but here I am to fill y'all in....

We bought a 3br/2.5 bath two story. I know I told you about the fact that we could not park our cars in the garage, but Jerry has fixed that. In fact, he called me at work the other day to let me know...

"Honey, I have a surprise for you!"

Oohhh...Platinum or Xanax?

"I totally cleaned out the garage...we can get our cars in it and it is spotless. Really...we can PARK in there!"

I raced home 6 hours early, who cares, I have vacation time, and LO! AND BEHOLD! The garage was spotless! I pulled my car into my spot and the earth moved, and angels wept! OMG, I said, this is incredible. You must have worked your ass off!! (Bear in mind that the day before, when he finally installed the garage door opener, he pushed the button to open and close it so many times the city almost cut off our utilities!)

Anyway, after admiring the clean garage for what seemed like hours (he never makes like this when I finally mop and dust!) I went into the kitchen from the door in the garage and stopped dead in my tracks.


Suffice it to say that we can no longer eat at our dining room table.

Jerry, I said, you didn't clean anything. You just relocated the shit from the garage to the dining room table. Blank stare, jaw on the floor.

"Honey, you DO understand!"

Meanwhile, Jenda got hold of all of my tax records and I can see me with the accountant..."Yes, this is our relocation paperwork and charitable donations with a nice Burnt Sienna, threaded through with Midnight Blue!"

So anyway, more about the house. It is a two-story house, a bit smaller than we wanted but really good for three people. I HATE the bathrooms because there is NO storage and there are no medicine cabinets. I need someplace to put my stuff...I can't have Jenda flushing another $50.00 Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion.... trust me, it could happen to you! So, I went to the local Target (more about this in another episode!) and bought a ready-to-hang medicine cabinet with a hinged door and mirror. Seemed easy enough to me, so of course I made Jerry hang it.... no more using that damn E-Coli excuse! Of course, he managed to chip a chunk out of the mirror, which I just KNEW I would find by accident barefoot getting out of the shower.

"Nah___ You'll be fine. It probably went behind the toilet somewhere. No biggie."

Not for you.... you never clean back there. Whatever.... I just know I have a date with a sliver of glass.

But time went on, and no glass, and I began to believe that I was wrong.

I was wrong.

Sho 'nuff, I WAS cleaning, but I was clear on the other end of the room. I was wiping down the counters and behind the faucet, I saw a small piece of plastic wedged behind the tap. Couldn't get it out with the cloth.... no biggie. I'll just dig it out with my finger.

Three thoughts went through my mind simultaneously...

1. That ain't (we use that word up here!) plastic.

2. Damn, that glass traveled far.

3. F*&%@#$ THAT HURTS!!!

I yelped and grabbed my finger, which had passed the bleeding stage and went straight to hemorrhaging. Jenda toddled into the room! Oh, thank God.... salvation!! Mommy!

"Got booboo?"

Yes...(bear in mind I was just BLEEDING LIKE CRAZY and could not find any band aids!) Go get Daddy!

"Need to go to Super Weenie Hut Junior Hospital?"

Yes...go get Daddy.

"Okay...I going...lookie, my shoe!"


Jenda left and was gone for some time. Bear in mind there were no clean towels in the bathroom (because no one lugs them upstairs besides me) and no band-aids and I was not ABOUT to bleed on the carpet.... believe me fingers bleed ALOT!!

So I waited for Jenda to come back with Jerry and I re-read my American Express Cardmember agreement to kill came Jenda, but no Jerry.

Jenda, where's Daddy?

Blank stare...."Dora?"



She left again and I solved Sudoku while I was waiting. I was losing blood, though, getting weaker. I used my waning strength to scream for Jerry, bang on the wall, and use a toothbrush bristle to write my living will on a square of Charmin.

FINALLY.... I was seeing black roses bloom before my eyes, I was fading fast. I collapsed next to the counter where Jerry found me, in a heap with my arm up, blood flowing down like a river, and my middle finger extended.

Y'all figure it out.

"Wassamatter?! Why are you bleeding? What didn't get any on the carpet!"


What came out was "Chewff! Grackle dack!" Severe blood loss is no laughing matter!

Jerry handled everything..."here, get up!" He man-handled me to my feet, turned on the cold water at full blast, and crammed my finger under the cold, nerve-damaging water.

I found my religion that night in the bathroom. My life flashed before my eyes and I prayed that a higher power would end my pain. I prayed for death under that hateful cold water as my bleeding finger went numb and fell off from the pain...and then.... a moment of clarity, a vision from God.

I kept this to myself and when I finally regained the ability to speak, I confronted Jerry and Jenda.

Jenda, I sent you to get Daddy sometime last week, and Jerry, I have been screaming and banging on the wall for days. What the &*^%?

"I swear, the acoustics are REEEEEELY good in this house. I never heard a thing...and Jenda came to ask me for a popsicle and I wouldn't let her have one without asking you first. So here I am."


So here I sit, writing to all of you. That vision from God? Do unto others. So, I took every roll of toilet paper out of the upstairs master bathroom. Jerry went in there some time ago, and I already gave Jenda a popsicle and turned up Nicktoons REEEEL loud.... let’s just test those acoustics and see...WAIT.... did y'all hear something?

NAHHHHH.... Me neither!

Bless your hearts.... love y'all!

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